Is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

Hello, I am back.

I have been busy with a friend visiting and with planning my... present.

All is going well, better than it has been. As it already happened a few times in my life, I think I had a lucky break. I feel my wheel is turning in the right direction and I am looking forward to peace and justice.

Yes, I had many ups and downs before.

I was glad and relieved when Bala did not get anticipatory bail neither from the Trivandrum court nor the High Court in Ernakulam, but – little did I know about the Indian legal system – he was granted regular bail by the judge right here, in the Varkala court. And after that he was free to harass me and threaten my friends.

Then there is Hasbullah Khan, Asthamay’s night watchman. For all the years that he worked there he always said I was his sister, a beloved sister. He was outraged when Bala climbed the wall and broke into my room with a hammer in his hand. Surely Hasbee did not do anything to stop him, but he explained all to the police when they escorted me back to the house and he was very concerned about my safety.

At least I thought so. Now Hasbee works for Bala; the power of money is great. When I go to my room at Asthamay, he looks at me without shame. I am ashamed for him.

It seems that Bala has been able to buy many people that used to be my friends around here. This is hurtful and sobering at the same time. I have started to doubt of everyone around.  

But there are the bright spots. Juni and her family and sisters, my neighbors at Kallazhy, have been my good friends. Juni wants to feed me all the time and I enjoy her delicious food: rice, pappadam, great cheera thoren and all these wonderful Kerala delicacies.  Mani, the cleaning lady, goes shopping with me to the market on the back of my scooter and we both enjoy people’s stares.  

I had to fight so much on my own against Bala and his agents (I include the local police in the group of people that acted on Bala’s behalf), and a system unfamiliar to me, a difficult foreign language, to realize that our cultural gap is so deep, almost impossible to bridge. Definitely, everything is bigger than I am.

My great disadvantage has been not to have someone here to trust, a person of male gender and, possibly, of a very well connected family. After 6 years in Kerala, I understand a little bit of how the system works here. Though it is hard for me to admit it, I can see that my means alone are not sufficient.

I am very determined, but here this could be considered a threatening trait for a woman. Women are members of a family. A woman of my age living independently and, like they say here, unmarried, it is simply not done.  Moreover, like they say here, with no issues, no children. Yet, there are powerful women, for example, Soniaji – a truly admirable woman of Italian origin, like me…yes.  

Kerala is a very conservative state when it comes to morals and traditions, never mind the politics, the scandals and the mafia, that is another side of the story. 

I think I might have confused people, at least before they got to know me.

I should have learned to be patient and wait, but I did not. The fact that I had

to look after myself made me even more insistent on asking questions, which is also considerate not a nice trait. And, in spite of it all, I am still a positive thinker, or I should say it clearly: I am still an idealist.   Ya. 

The combination of idealism and passion I put in what I do has given me tremendous life energy, sometimes explosive but very vital and necessary at this point in my life.  A few times, my temperament has landed me in trouble here, but most of the times it has created a positive response. People started to call me pavam, a term of endearment (in English ca be translated as dear, poor baby, a good person suffering a bad time) and before I was madama, a saipe (a foreigner), and before that I have also been called the less gentle term vellakari, (white skin).    

All my passionate determination has done something good for me, at last.  I have met some people that heard of my story and are trying to sort it out. I have learned to be cautious and I will be, but I also feel that I have finally a support. It feels good not to have to worry about everything on my own.